Dear Nigel, Red, and Rockgut
by NigelTux
Summary: Humanized! They weren't always all business. Discover the untold stories of a younger Super Secret Agent Nigel, Penguin Enemy Number One : The Red Squirrel, and Rouge Bounty Hunter: Special Agent Buck Rockgut.
1. Chapter 1

**_1. I am not allowed to switch occupations with my Arch Nenemis._**

It all started with an argument over who could do who's join better. A small matter really, bit of course the three had to complicate things. In a matter of time a deal was stuck which was how they fount theirselves in her arch nenemis' trademark outfits.

Red was in Nigel's emerald suit, hair slicked back, and suitcase in hand. Honestly, he had cleaned up quite well, drawing hungry gazes with ever graceful step he too. Personally, it annoyed Red but he kept Nigel's usual smile in place as he waltzed right into MI6 HeadQuarters. They was no way in Hell was he going to lose this bet to those two.

* * *

><p>Nigel narrowed his emerald eyes as he moved through the bushes, stopping every few steps to glance around and shout 'clear'. Now where was the current Enemy Number One?<p>

* * *

><p>Buck Rockgut stared in utter confusion at the directions to Red's current project. If he was reading this correctly the blue wire should connect to the red... Right? Taking a chance, he swiftly connected the wires before ducking under the lab table...<p>

Nothing. Sighing in relief, Buck stood.

BOOM!

An angry scream filled the hidden lair.

* * *

><p>Red hummed softly as he filed Nigel's paperwork for the day. He could hear people rushing around outside the office but paid it no mind. Ah, they must have finally have gotten to viewing their own security films. As if to prove him right the door was flung open to revile The Commander, leader of MI6, and several Agents. Red looked up in annoyance, "Do you mind? I'm trying to work."<p>

* * *

><p>The Commander stared at the three men before him, wondering how he got stuck with three children stuck in adults' bodies.<p>

"No, just no. You will all change back into your own clothes and then Red will leave."

Seeing them about to protest The Commander raised his Hand.

"Look, Red is a villain. THE villain, Penguin Enemy Number One, he lucky I'm even allowing him to leave instead of throwing him into prison. Now Red, change then leave."

He chose to pretend that he didn't see the villain or the two penguin agents pouting as Red left.


	2. Chapter 2

**_2. I am not allowed to bust into the Commander's office and make out on his desk. Especially if he is in his office at the time._**

The Commander felt his left Wye twitch as he stared at the mass of limbs and flying clothes. He was certain this was the two Agents' version of payback for sending Red away. Without a word, the Commander stood and left his office. It was times like this that he wished he could trade them for Red. At least Red kept his kinks out of his office.

* * *

><p><em><strong>3. Nigel and Rockgut are forbidden from giving "The Talk" to anyone for any reason.<strong>_

Red stared at the shivering mass of blushing,shivering new Agents.

"What's wrong with them?"

Nige and Rockgut shared a look as the Commander sighed.

"Your boyfriends decided to give them the talk."

Red blinked before staring at the Commander in confusion.

"What's 'The Talk'?"

Nigel and Buck shared a look before grinning. The Commander on the other hand had a horrified look. Before Red could blink he fount himself thrown over the Commander's shoulder as the man ran for all he was worth.

"Hey!" Buck and Nigel shouted as one. "Get back here with Red!"

"No! You're not traumatizing Red like you did those poor Agents!"

Red never did find out what "The Talk" was.

* * *

><p><em><strong>4. I am not allowed to wear leather pants and a leather collar to important meetings I shouldn't even be at.<strong>_

The Commander had to postpone the meeting as neither Buck or Nigel could pay attention to anything else but Red as the villain paced the Meeting Room. The Commander was certain the villain was swaying his hips that way on purpose. The smirk Red gave as he was ushered out of the room by his lovers only helped solidify that disbelief.


	3. Chapter 3

_**5.I must remember that there has not nor ever will be a Villain-Agent Sleepover at MI6 HeadQuarters for a reason.**_

For once both villains and agents agreed: never again. And to never talk about it, that night never happened.

* * *

><p><strong><em>6. Prank calling Count Victor von Sova ends well for no one.<em>**

Red Sat sulking in a corner as the Count tore into Nigel, Buck,and the Commander. With each word the three sunk further into themselves as they began to understand why Red had went to the corner without a fight. Retired villain or not the Count was still deathly frightening when angry. They were still too frightened to say anything as the man lead a sulking Red out of HeadQuarters.

"...and Red, you're grounded until further notice."

Red's shoulders slumped in defeat.

"Yes, Sir."

The Office door closed behind the two, cutting off the Count's lecture on how proper villains should act.

* * *

><p><strong><em>7. NO ONE is allowed to leave Red alone with the Queen again.<em>**

"Red, pull over that car!"

Red glance into his rearview morrow to see a slick black car on his tail. Great, of course they would hunt him down. Red glanced to his passenger, who was grinning like a Chestire Cat.

"Ingore them. We have a race to win."

The woman ordered causing Red to smile before speeding up.

"With pleasure."

No one ever did figure out how Red convinced the Queen to go drag racing. Let alone how he managed to get the Queen past her guards and MI6's security without being seen. Neither would tell when asked.


	4. Chapter 4

_**8. The next person to tell Red something is impossible will be thrown out a window. You should know by now that Red follows no one's laws.**_

The Commander stared at Red, who was walking on th in air, obvious to the many agents grappling at him. He could already feel a headache building as the villain walked right over his head and turned the corner. As he turned to the gatherer crowd, he couldn't help but wounder when exactly his HQ became a Mad House.

* * *

><p><em><strong>9. Never tell Red to "get a life". He'll get one alright: Your's<strong>_.

Red stared at the sobbing Agent for a moment then at Nigel, Rockgut, and The Commander.

"What? I was only doing what he told me to."

The Commander sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Red, I'm pretty sure Tomas didn't tell you to steal his life."

Red crossed his arms.

"Yes, he did. He told me and I quote: "Go get a life", so I did. It's not my fault he never said who's life he wanted me to get." The Commander groaned as Nigel and Buck laughed, only for the man to a hot them both a glare.

"How about of laughing you two help me."

Nigel and Buck shared a smirk, both already had an idea on how to get Red to drop his current entertainment. Nigel smiled as stepped forward.

"Red, if you have Thomas' life that means he has Your's. So I guess we should just take him to bed with us since he's you."

Shrugging in a uncaring way, Buck helped Tomas to his feet. The poor Agent wad blushing seven different shades of crimson as he registered Nigel's words.

The Commander watched in amusement as Red was out of Tomas' seat in a second and dragging both his lovers out the door by their sleeves. Not even stopping as he shouted at Tomas over his shoulder.

"You can have your life back, I don't want it!"

Tomas gapped for a moment before rushing after the Russian villain.

"Wait, you can't just give it back!"

The Commander busted out laughing as the door shut behind Tomas.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Despite really needing one, Red is not allowed within a hundred feet of a therapist. On a side note, if anyone sees Dr. Jackson please bring him to his session with Dr. Richard. <strong>_

Red had told them he didn't need or want therapy, but they had dragged him there away. No one US sure what happened in that room, only that Dr. Jackson had rushed out with a horrified look his face. That day started many rumors about Red's life and why exactly he became Penguin Enemy Number One. Red still refuses to acknowledge any of the rumors.


	5. Chapter 5

_**12. Red is not 'The Supreme Commander of All Evil'. Stop telling the newbie agents that if they defeat him in combat they'll automatically become The Commander. The Medbay is already filled with those who tried.**_

Red stared at the angry Marton that was reminding him a lot of an angry dragon. Red raised his hands in mock surrender.

"Madame, in my defense I would like to point out that they attacked me first."

The woman crossed her arms, gearing down at the Russian.

"Red, you are going to help me move all these Agnets into the Medbay and if you another one to my medbay anytime in the next month, I will end you."

She suddenly smiled sweetly, "Understand?"

Red nodded promptly, slightly paler then normal.

Red sighed in relief as the woman turned her attention elsewhere, slumping on his seat. God, that woman wad frightening. His current seat groaned as it stirred.

"Oh, shut up."

* * *

><p><strong><em>13. Red is Penguin Enemy Number One. He cannot join The Royal Gaurd even if the Queen wants him to.<em>**

The Commander could feel his headache building as he stared at The form in front of him containing both the Queen's signature and The Royal Seal. Finally he glanced up at the bored looking Russian.

"No, Just No."

Red pouted causing The Commander's eye to twitch slightly.

"Why not?"

The Commander looked Tue villain straight in the eye before answering.

"Red, I am certain, without a doubt, that if you joined The Royal Guard England would be burning before Morning Tea."

* * *

><p><strong><em>14. Rockgut is not allowed to try blowing up people who stare at Red and Nigel a little too long for your liking<em>**.

BOOM!

Red grinned from his place draped over Buck's shoulder like a cloak, fingers playing with the American's hair.

Operation: Save Nigel from Fan club via Paranoid\Overprotective Lover wad a success. Red almost laughed at the relieved look on Nigel's face.

* * *

><p><strong><em>15. Nigel is not to complain if Red burns down his garden after listening to a ten hour rant on different types of Doilies. You had it coming.<em>**

The Commander stared at the ashes of what had once been Nigel's prized garden then to the pouting spy and finally Red.

"You burned down Nigel's garden?"

"..."

The Russain looked away, crossing his arms firmly over his chest. The Commander sighed.

"And do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"... I regreat nothing."

* * *

><p><em><strong>16. I am not allowed to dye the MI6 uniforms neon pink with glittery sparkles. The point of the uniforms are NOT to draw attention.<strong>_

The Commander stared in horror at the sparkling neon pink mass of uniformed Agents. His eye twitched as one Agent walked past him, seemingly not noticing anything wrong but continued to talk with another Agent. He'll, they were even smiling. The Commander clinched his fists at his side. He had a feeling he knew who was behind this mockery.

"RED!"


	6. Chapter 6

_**17. Red and Buck are no longer allowed near new recuits. Red shouldn't have been near them in the first place.**_

It was a War Zone. Nothing else could possible come close to describe what M was seeing. She could see her usual calm and collected Commander looking to be a verge of having a mental breakdown.

The recruits had divided themselves and the room into two. She could see some recruits tied and gagged among each group. And there, among each group, was two of the major sources of her constant headaches:

Buck Rockgut and Red von Sova.

Neither seemed to have noticed her or The Commander as they were far too busy telling whatever plans they had come up with to their new minions- err... recruits, yeah she meant recruits.

Finally she turned to The Commander and her Personal Aid.

"Find whatever idiots put these two in charge of recruits and have them thrown into a Holding Cell."

"With pleasure."

* * *

><p><strong><em>18. It's not a good idea to tell anyone that Count Victor von Sova, Buck Rockgut, or Red is your role model. All of them are proven legally insane.<em>**

Hadrain Black shifted slightly as The Commander stared his down in disbelief.

"I'm sorry. Could you repeat that? I think I miss heard you. Who is your Role Models?"

Hadrain sighed, having half expected it.

"Count Victor von Sova, Sir."

The man continued to stare in disbelief.

"How about another Role Model?"

Hadrain bit his lip, before hesitantly speaking.

"Buck Rockgut."

The man gained a desperate look at this answer.

"Another? "

"Red Sova."

Thud! The Commander's head hit his desk as he mumbled something about corrupting innocent minds. Finally he seemed to gather himself together before speaking.

"Look, kid, the job is Your's but only nude two conditions."

Harry nodded and leaned forward as the man gave him a serious look.

"You get a Mental Evaluation and you NEVER, EVER tell anyone who your Role Models are or so help me I will throw you into the furthest Mental Hospital from here so faster then you can get whiplash. "

* * *

><p><em><strong>SPECIAL: <strong>_

_**Red and Q have meet. I suggest locking yourself in a closet, your office or anywhere else you believe safe as half of you will not survive.**_

The Commander stared at the two men before him in utter horror. It had finally happened, The Commander's worst nightmare. The first sign of the incoming Apocalypse:

Red von Sova had finally met QuaterMaster, Q, and they were getting along perfectly.

The Commander was certain that the World's days where finally numbered. Espically considering the way they were smiling. There was no doubt in The Commander's mind that the End was coming.

* * *

><p><em><strong>19. You may not create mythical creatures just to prove you can. On a side note, would someone get the unicorn out of my office.<strong>_

The Commander and M stared at the creation in M's office, standing beside a proud looking Q and Red. It looked a lot like a white horse, if not for the horn protruding from the center of its forehead.

"Congratulations, you two have finally created life."

M spoke, her eyes never leaving the Not-so-mythical creature standing in her office.

"Why? "

The two looked at each other and shrugged before speaking as one.

"Why not?"

M gave them a deadpanned look before Q clarified their reason.

"We just wanted to see of we could."

M pinched the bridge of her nose as The Commander sighed in defeat.

"Go. Just go."

The two scientists shrugged before leaving. It was only after they left did either M or the Commander realize the Unicorn was still in the office with them.


	7. Chapter 7

**20. Red is forbidden to invite anyone to dinner at Savio's. Anyone who accepts such an offer has a 98% chance of being that night's dinner.**

Red smiled innocently as he invited the Fangirl to dinner at his friend's and she happily accepted. He was half tempted to start crackling as she didn't even recognize the name Savio and flirtlious asked him when she should show and what exactly was for dinner.

* * *

><p><strong>21. NO ONE is allowed to throw Red into the deep end of a pool. This is for everyone's safety as Red cannot swim and has vengeanceful lovers, who WILL hunt you down.<strong>

Red was soaking wet and trembling as he clung tightly to Nigel for warmth and safety. The usually calm spy was furious but hid it well as he held the younger man close to him, half afraid that if he let go his lover would end up back in the water. Buck, meanwhile, was furiously beating the half-brained Agents behind Red's condition to a bloody pulp, turning a deaf ear to their pleas. Prank or not, he wasn't laughing.

* * *

><p><strong>22. Just because they cannot understand Russian does not mean you can insult them to their faces. No, making them turn around does not mean you can continue insulting them.<strong>

**a). Insulting them in German doesn't make it better.**

**b). Nor French**

**c). Especially not in English**

**d). Look, just stop insulting them**

The Commander felt like bashing his head into a steel beam as he stared at the three man in front of him, trying and succeeding to look as innocent as possible. Why was it those three were the main source of his countless headaches? And why did they always chose the worst possible moments to pull one of their half brained ideas? The half brained idea this time?

Insulting the Prime Minister and The World Council to their face- and backs- in multiple languages.

* * *

><p><strong>23. Whoever thought it was a good idea to leave impressionable children alone with Red will be shot. I now have to explain to all their parents why exactly their children want to be the next Penguin Enemy Number One.<strong>

"No, no, no, no. You're not doing it right. Its MAWHAHAHA not MEHEHEHE."

The multitude of children "Ahhed" as if finally understanding something and eagerly bounced on their heels demanding and trying to perfect their Evil Laughter. Half of them had it and the other half was slowly getting it.

"Right. Try it with me."

"**MAWHAHAHA!"'**

Red couldn't help but feel proud that the Mini Villains to be finally had it. Unfortunately, M, who had just walked in, did not feel the same.

* * *

><p><strong>24. Painting a target on yourself is NEVER a good idea. Especially if you plan to run through the target range.<strong>

Red sighed as he carefully washed the paint form his lover's body, trying hard not to undo The Dragon's- as he called the Doctor- work. Why Rockgut thought it was a good idea to strip down and paint targets all other his body was beyond Red. Especially why he ran, stark naked- besides the targets- trough the practice range.


End file.
